I’m sitting here thinking about a decision that I would absolutely prefer not to make…. My boy, Kuva – a 100 lb chocolate lab is in the other room… he is not doing so good tonight….
I wrote about him in November on his 11th birthday – He has been with me since he was almost 8 weeks old. He has always been joyfilled … The last few days he has had some challenges – - Today we brought him to the vet … She thinks this is congestive heart failure…..to make a long story short – the diagnosis and the prognosis are not good.
I personally don’t give a hoot about all the “osis” what I do care about is – how is he feeling?
Last night he was laboring to breath and a bit antsy … I laid on the floor with him… I told him how special he was in my life. I told him how he did not need to stay here – he did not have to suffer – at anytime he could close his eyes and leave… I would be OK… Well I did say that with tears running down my face…
But I will be OK … my true concern is about him. I don’t want him to suffer… he is much too much of a lover to suffer.
Last night and again tonight I told Kuva – “Gale is there waiting for you”… Gale who totally adored him… Gale and I saw him when he was just a few days old… we picked him out of the litter and visited several times before we could bring him home. Gale made her transition in January 2003.
And Kuva… “Marria is there waiting for you.” My dear, dear friend Marria – she absolutely adored Kuva! When I would say I was coming over she always wanted to know “are you bringing Kuva?” I used to tell her I was sure if he could drive she would just have him over! 
And my cats Kissena & Mary – they would curl up into him and sleep with him. He was always so gentle with them… They too, are on the other side and will greet him….
When the vet and I spoke today – she felt as though he somewhat responded to the medication but it was not a great response. She spoke to me about quality of life and about making a decision in a few days…. Of course I knew what she was saying… and as I told her “I have already made the decision – I will not let him suffer”
I did take him home tonight – I feel I need him to tell me when it is the right time… and of course I continue to offer him the opportunity to “just close your eyes and go….”
I absolutely would prefer if he just let go…..
I’m a big believer in what Dr. Kevorkian did… If I want to go and need help to accomplish that – why can’t I get that help?
But what about our domestic pets? While I believe they are usually more connected to the Universe than we are… We have indeed domesticated them – taught them to rely on us humans to make their decisions for them… And now I am wishing Kuva would make his own decision….
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"There are No Mistakes..... Only Discoveries!" TM ~ Ellie Walsh
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I have never met him but he sounds so wonderful. I hope his transition is painless and quick. My heart goes out to you!
Hi Ellie,
thank you so much for sharing these thoughts and feelings.
I never have seen anybody transitioning or a dead person and was very impressed by your description of the transition of Marrie.
You seem to have very deep empathy for all creatures. I think you will feel it when Kuva needs your decision and if he needs it at all. I see no great difference in indivuality/personality between humans and animals and their ability to decide.
Hope I could say in English what I meant in my German thoughts.
Feeling a deeply vibrating love for you and Kuva!
Regina
Hi Maryann….
He is resting – doesn’t seem to be in any pain… So I continue to let this unfold.
Hi is indeed wonderful!
Thanks so much for your well wishes…
Hugs,
Ellie
I just discovered your blog yesterday (through Jeannette Maw’s Good Vibe Blog) and subscribed. What wondrous synchronicity that the first post I get in my e-mail is on this subject. In October last year, I had to take in my 17 year old Springer spaniel to be euthanized. Muggins had been with me, like your Kuva has been with you, since she was 8 weeks old. She lived far beyond the 13 to 14 years Springers generally live, and in doing so, besides my parents, she is my longest-lasting relationship.
As she got toward the end of her life, I kept telling her that it was okay for her to go. I loved her beyond words and always will and I knew she’d live a gaping hole in my physical reality, but I wanted her to know that (as you feel about Kuva) her comfort was my priority. I was sure she’d choose to move on. She had gotten to the point where she could barely see or hear. She had some dementia and incontinence etc. I don’t need to tell the negative aspects of the story. I was sure she’d just relax and go. But she didn’t.
I took her walking nearly everyday for her whole life, on the beach or in the woods. Even toward the end, we did what my husband called our “stroll and sniffs,” and 2 weeks before she left us, she stopped walking. I was sure she’d go. She didn’t.
And, like you, I didn’t want to make the decision. But one day, I looked at her, and her nose was crusty. (We think her kidneys were failing–she drank and drank and drank water and peed and peed, but she wasn’t getting what she needed from it). I looked in her eyes, and I knew. She was telling me to help her. She’d decided, but she needed help.
So we took her in. It wasn’t the way I wanted it to be, but it was the way she needed it to be, and I let that comfort me.
The day she passed on (at 17 years and 17 days–I loved her symmetry), I sent an e-mail to the breeder, Lyn, from whom I’d gotten her to tell her Muggins had passed on and to tell her I’d be interested in a puppy when she next had a litter available. I didn’t expect a quick response, but Lyn did respond almost immediately and said it would be awhile before she had a litter but a great puppy was available now with another great breeder and Lyn had already called that breeder and highly recommended me. To make a long story short, we got the new puppy the next day. It wasn’t my plan to do that. I had no interest in “replacing” Muggins. Couldn’t be done. But we were so clearly led to this pup. Ducky (Woodridge’s Life Is Jusducky), in the 6 months we’ve had her, has carved out a huge place in my heart next to that which will always be devoted to Muggins. I truly believe that Muggins needed me to help her cocreate her end at the right time for me to be matched up with this new being in my life.
The point of my long-winded story is that I empathize completely with you and though I don’t know you, I believe you won’t need to “make a decision” so much as just “listen” to what Kuva is telling you–if he wants your help to move on, you’ll know.
Sending you and Kuva the love and caring and understanding of a “devoted dog mom.” And you can tell Kuva that he will meet Muggins in the nonphysical too. She’s the enthusiastic eager one who springs for joy.
Hi Regina….
You have conveyed your German thoughts well in English… I guess that is because our thoughts are a Universal language!
Today Kuva is resting – he isn’t in any pain – and it looks to me like he is starting to withdraw from the things around him. I agree – I do believe he will let me know if he needs help with this.
Big Thanks to you…
Hugs,
Ellie
HUGS – big huge full body hugs to you and Kuva too
Some days I swear they love us too much
It would be so lovely if he would release on his own; but I agree with Regina – you will know if and when he needs your decision
Beautiful post Ellie – the depth of love you & Kuva share just reverberates off the page. He is one very lucky boy to have had all these years with you- and so are you. Guess that can make it hard to go –
Chris & I send hugs all around – l.ska
Hi Ande…
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me….
I agree he will let me know…. He doesn’t seem to be in pain – he is resting most of the time. He is withdrawing now – but still there is something of a “not yet” ….
So for right now, this moment …. I leave him “Be” and I stay tuned into him … “listening”
Thanks again for sharing with me….
Hugs,
Ellie
Hi Sydney…
I feel your Hugs!
Yes – I am letting him “Be’ and I am staying tuned in….
I’ve heard some people say they do not want to get another pet because it hurts so much when they leave. While I understand that – I think what a shame it would be to have missed out on 11 1/2 years of unconditional love & joy!
Thanks so much to you and Chris for your support and Hugs!
Love,
Ellie
Dear Ellie: I understand viscerally where you are. The past eighteen months saw the transition of my three seventeen year old cats who were beloved beyond words, because they chose to be with me through the most tumultuous parts of my life. (Bless our mutual friend Coryelle for being there to help me through all of it.)
It is a hard decision, especially when our Furchildren love us so much that their fierce old hearts push for that one – more – day. My Oswald did that, but when I gave in to truth and the Final Kindness came, it was clear that it had just been grit and gristle that had kept him together — and he’d been doing it for me. He literally sent me a dream that night: “Mom, that body SUCKED and I am so glad to be out of it. I’ll be home soon, I promise!” And sure enough, he’s back.
If you and Kuva make that decision together, I know with every fiber of my being that he’ll be back in a better body — or hand(paw?)-pick his successor for you.
Please know that both of you have our prayers for peace and heart’s ease. May all of Kuva’s people, both two and four legged, be there to greet him with pets and treats and hugs and a welcome parade. And I’ve sent word to our three Rainbow Cats and Cool Breeze, our Rainbow Dog, to make sure they’re in the second row for nosetouches and wags — that they have a New Cousin coming.
Hi Ellie,
I saw your message on the Forum and felt compelled to send my best to you and your Kuva. We lost our Tabitha, our dear black long haired feline friend about two months ago at almost 17. I did the hospice thing with her even to blending her food and holding her dish while she tried to eat for as long as she was able. It was a difficult time, but like yourself, I let her know she could go whenever she was ready. She was a stubborn old girl and didn’t give in until she was no longer able to move around.
Lots of love coming your way to share with your dear old friend.
Elizabeth
Hi Corbie….
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me….
I do know that Kuva will never really leave me…. I know we are connected forever.
Coryelle has connected and communicated with him … and was up to visit him this afternoon.
Right now he is mostly resting… and I am letting him “Be”. I know if I stayed “tuned in” to him – I will know what he wants from me….
He has lots of 2 legged and 4 legged friends that will greet him and now his cousins! How Perfect!
Big Thanks to You!
Hugs,
Ellie
Hi Elizabeth….
Thanks so much for coming over and sharing your story.
Isn’t it amazing – I have heard from people I know well, some I know slightly, others I have met on the internet… and some I have never spoke to before… Yet here we are all connected – sharing comfort with each other…
Look at the blessing my Kuva has brought to me!
Hugs,
Ellie
Ellie,
Your post moved me to tears. (honest) Three years ago I was diagnosed with CHF, and your loving post reminded me to be kinder to myself.
Your love Kuva is touching.
Thank you,
Linda
Oh, Ellie.
What a great photo of you two. You are such a good ‘mom’. Kuva is a lucky dog.
Love and hugs,
Annette
Dear Ellie,
I’m sorry that you’re facing such a decision. Right now I’m in a similar situation. My grandmother is in hospital, doing really bad, and doctors want to make all sorts of things to her. My mother and me are claiming for quality of life instead of quantity, but each of those decisions are painful steps loaded with doubts and some feelings of guilt that it’s hard to avoid.
My granny is in her time to go, I’m sure, but she does not dare. She is afraid of going. The combination of her physical pain and our emotional pain is a disastrous point of attraction, I’m sure.
I send you a strong and caring hug and my deepest wishes of peace.
And lots of love to you and Kuva.
Dear Ellie,
I’m sending you and your beloved Kuva all my love! I know how you feel. Love is everything, thanks for sharing yours with the sweetest of living creatures – animals.