Struggling, Anxiety and Depression… SAD… Oh My!
I received an email this week from a really good friend of mine… I met Bren just about 5 weeks ago - and we have been *talking* in email-land…. Did you ever meet someone and just feel totally comfortable - like you have known them for a long time? That’s a topic for another day……

So I get this email - and here is part of what she said…..

:I’ve been struggling with some depression and anxiety. I think I might have a real seasonal component to my depression. It makes it really, really hard to try to think myself into alignment. So, I’m struggling..again. I guess I just have to meet myself where I am and let that be OK in order to keep my boat pointed downstream…but it’s hard and I don’t like it…I want alignment and connection and I want it now, damnit..lol.”

I immediately identified with what she is saying - Yup - I thought - Been There - Done That.

There is actually a depression that is called SAD - and it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder…. I think SAD stands for and feels like - Struggling-Anxiety-Depression.

Bren lives in Maine in the Great Northeast - I live in Upstate NY - so we both experience very similar weather…. Yes winter is showing itself up here and the days are getting shorter.

I am very aware as our days are getting shorter - I’ve been feeling a bit tired a bit earlier in the evenings….

Sunday we set the clocks back 1 hour - which means now the days are even shorter!

So - do I have SAD?

Well I don’t like labels - but I would say I certainly have experienced what would be called SAD.

Actually depression had been a visitor of mine for many years. I struggled with it. Yes it truly was a struggle - feeling like a blah and not wanting to feel that way - wanting so bad to feel better - and not knowing how to!

Is it seasonal? I know for me, depression used to show up at my door anytime of the year - but - it did show up with a bigger vengeance in the winter months! And it hung on longer during the winter.

I don’t know what the doctors say about SAD, nor do I know what research says about how sun affects us. Truthfully I don’t care what they say - I know for me - I was more apt to go into blah-land when the days were shorter and the temps are colder!

There is something magical about walking outside and feeling the sun on your face and your vision explodes with warm tones of the sun reflecting everywhere you look!

Looking at that statement with my LOA glasses on ( ) Obviously for me - warm, sunny days help me to produce good feeling thoughts.

The other end of that stick is - I used to get caught up in the blahs as the days got shorter and the vibrant colors muted to duller colors.

Blah would go to more blah - maybe on to feeling physically sick - on to anxiety - on to more blah - anxiety - blah - anxiety - blah ……. a merry-go-round.

Struggling - Anxiety - Depression - - it was like a merry-go-round with no exit! And today I am so aware that - merry-go-round - is the Law of Attraction at work!

Let’s look at that - I’d be feeling blah - What does that mean? Well I must have been thinking thoughts that were not in alignment with who I am - And that feeling of blah - - means I am sending out blah signals to the Universe.

What kind of thoughts? It is different for all of us - but from what I know about me and many other’s I talk to…. Usually the thoughts are on the topic of - - I’m not good enough - or things aren’t going my way - or what I want to happen is not happening - I don’t know what to do….

All of those thoughts boil down to feeling powerlessness. Feeling like I am not in control of my own life!

Law of Attraction says “Like attract Like” - You can’t get to Feeling Great from feeling like crap! It’s like trying to cross a river without a boat! If you can’t swim and you don’t have a boat - You aren’t getting to the other side - You need a bridge! If you just jump into that river and you can;t swim - you are going to either drown or you need to turn back!

Same with LOA - you need a bridge - If you try to jump from feeling SAD, depressed, blah to feeling great - you are drowning and you turn back - you go back to those powerlessness thoughts!

Yes - it is normal to go back to being depressed! There is nothing wrong with you - it is the way the Universe works! I didn’t know that - I would take it personally - I would end up thinking “there really must be something wrong with me!” - - - Hmmm so you know where those thoughts would get me…..

But if you build a bridge over this SAD river - you can get yourself to the other side…. And I have found once you learn how to get to the other side - the road gets easier and easier.

Today depression does not visit me anymore! I’m not saying I never feel blah - but I have never gone to the depths of depression as I had been for years before! Today I am aware of my “blah” and I can quickly turn it around…. It was not always that way…

In October of 1986 - I moved from Queens NY to Upstate NY. This was a move that I absolutely wanted! But that first winter up here - really knocked my socks off! There were a lot of reasons behind this - I left my family and friends - I quit my job and started a business venture — Those weren’t the actual reasons - but they were the reason I started to doubt myself much stronger than ever before - -

I started to doubt my capabilities to work for myself - I started to think we made the wrong decision - I started to miss my family and friends…. I was on that merry-go-round!

I ended up in deep depression - It was getting increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I was physically feeling sick - headaches - queazy stomach - rapid heartbeats…. the whole nine yards.

I had come to a point that I was planning suicide. I remember thinking - “I can’t do this - I can’t keep living like this - there must be something wrong with me”

I didn’t have the tools, the knowledge, I have today. 21 years ago people didn’t even talk about the Law of Attraction. But I was on a path - I was already seeking a better way for me - I was reading positive books….

So I was aware I was in trouble.

I did not seek medical advice. Should I have? Well, I think that is different for each person. Me and doctors don’t get along - so that was not a better path for me. I have seen people that go on medication and the meds help ease their symptoms. If you can ease your symptoms - you can start to change your thoughts. So I do believe medications can work for people. But I had a big aversion to them - so I knew that was not my way out.

I talked to some friends about my plans of suicide… Once I did that - I could hear those words bounce back into my ears. Did you ever notice when you talk to yourself in your head how different it sounds than when you talk out loud and it comes back into your ears?

When I heard my own words - I knew I needed to make a decision - - well actually I knew I needed to expound on a decision I had made 3 years prior. When I went into AA I saw some miserable, sober people - my decision then was - “I did not get sober to be miserable” and following that decision was life altering for me… So now I had to decide
If I was staying - if I was not going to go through with this suicide - then I needed to make that statement - “I am not here to be miserable.”

Today I look at that statement - that decision and realize it is what Abraham talks about - we are here for the joy. I wasn’t able then to phrase it in such an uplifting way!

So what did I do? I read more - I read books by Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra and others - They helped to soothe me… I got a bit kinder with myself… I didn’t realize it then but what I was doing was allowing me to be me.

I did take action - and though I believe today that action in itself is not the most effective way to make changes in your life…. As I look back - I am aware that to a great degree the action I took was indeed inspired action. There is a big difference in inspired action versus motivated action - - that is also another topic!

I also looked into herbs - doctors are not a path for me - but using herbs I was open to. So I started taking St. John’s Wort. Did it work? - I felt it did. I felt it helped ease some of my symptoms which helped me to raise my thoughts, raise my vibration a little at a time.

In AA people had talked about making a gratitude list.  So I would get up in the morning and make that list…. That helped as it would start my day looking at what is good in my life - not at what is wrong with my life…. If I could focus on good - then LOA can bring me more thoughts on what is good….

The days got a bit easier - it got easier to get out of bed in the morning. The heart pounding anxiety eased up - Ahhh I could breathe again. Here is LOA at work - - the more positive I could keep my thoughts - the better I would feel - - -  the better I would feel - the more positive vibrations I would send out to the Universe which would attract more positive thoughts. Now that is the kind of merry-go-round I like!

No not everyday was easy - I still had some difficult days - there were days my old thoughts patterns would come back and back into SAD land I would start to go…. But I now had a tool box - I now had a reference point - I had felt that crappy before and I knew I could come out of it. Just that thought in itself - is a better feeling thought! I no longer felt controlled by my thoughts!

I got through that winter - obviously I didn’t carry through with my suicide plans - and I gained a new feeling - I gained a new thought - That thought was - I did have power in my life! That thought would carry me through anytime I would start to feel that familiar depression start to creep back in.

I now knew - it was within me - I was the person who could change my life - I was the person who created my life!

Today I look back at that winter of  - 86/87 - and I see what a great opportunity it was! Without 100% even realizing it I was really learning how to deliberately create my life.

For several years I took the herb St. John’s Wort - from October thru April - I believed in it - I felt it helped take the edge off of the winter gray that is so prevalent in upstate, NY. Then one year I stopped taking it - I don’t even know why I stopped - I just stopped.

Each year was easier for me - I have never, ever again visited the depth of depression that I had in ‘86. I had bouts of blah but never again those depths. Even when Gale transitioned - I did not go to those depths - I had truly learned how to create my life - I had truly learned that I am the person who is in charge of how I react to life.

Now as I look back — I can not even remember the last time I would say I was depressed. It’s Gone - it is truly Gone! I look back and see from the age of about 14 thru my 30’s - depression was a visitor in my head and then it left! Did it leave? Yeah - it’s gone and the reason is because I changed my thought process - I did that one thought at a time.

Could it come back? Of course it could! I would just have to think all kinds of thoughts that make me feel crappy! I certainly do not want to do that! “I’m not here to be miserable” — Or as Abraham-Hicks says it — We are here to have Joy!

So… Am I now AOK and Happy and Honkey Dorey about the winter upon us here in the northeast? Hmmm the Universe absolutely knows that Ellie wants to be on a lounge chair, basking in the sun, in Puerto Rico or Florida or any island where the lowest temp is about 70 degrees! The Universe knows this — and I am happily allowing the Universe to orchestrate that!

If you are reading this and you feel SAD or anxiety or just want to feel better — You need to honestly evaluate you with you. And you need to decide what is the right path for you. It does not matter what I do or anyone else does - what counts is what Feels Right for You!

I wish you thoughts filled with warm sunshine basking and adoring you!