I keep catching myself trying to make myself sad!

Every morning I wake up and declare “The most important thing today is that I feel good!” And then during the day - I am finding myself trying to make me sad!

I know …. this sounds a bit Cuckoo!

If you read my last post “I Need You to Take Me Through This” - then you know that my dear friend, Marria passed over - just 13 days ago.

And as I spoke about in that post - her transition was an absolutely beautiful experience for me!

So why am I trying to make me sad?

I’m thinking I have some residual societal thinking still stuck in my brain!

I know I grew up believing dead is dead. Well actually I grew up as a Catholic and while they did indeed teach about an after life - there were so many rules and conditons - I think dead sounded better!

And as a society we think it is “normal” or maybe even “mandatory” to feel sad when someone transitions.

In the last 5 1/2 years I have experienced the transition of 3 major people in my life. Gale, my partner of 18 years, was the first. I wrote briefly about that in “A Life Changing Event”

When Gale passed over, I had just been introduced to Abraham (I’m sure that was not a coincidence) and by reading and listening to them - I was able to find hope in my life. But… I indeed was sad. I was very, very sad. I promise you I had never cried so hard in all my life. I did not know you could cry so hard.

But I also remember going out to eat with some close friends the evening she passed over… And there in the Chinese restaurant we were laughing - I mean really laughing — not just giggling… And then I said to my friends “People will think I am terrible that I am laughing on the evening that Gale died!” Now I said this with a snicker — but — I was also thinking - ‘Ellie you are supposed to be sad’

Three years later I got a phone call from my sister - my mother had laid down and didn’t get up. She was almost 88 yrs old but she wasn’t sick and we all had believed she would live at least as long as her mother did which was till 94. So hearing this news was absolutely a shock for me.

I got in the car to make the 3 1/2 hour ride downstate to my family and I was able to connect with my mother right away. I knew she was OK - I knew all was well….

When I arrived at the funeral parlor - I did have a few tears - - those tears were for several of my family members who I saw were in great pain over my mother’s transition.

My mother and I had a really great relationship! I enjoyed her humor, her intelligence, her kindness. I loved when she told me stories from when she was young - I could listen for hours to her. Hmmm well she could talk for hours!

So - why wasn’t I terribly sad like other people?

I remember thinking - ‘Maybe I am in denial’ - - - Denial - that is what people say you are in if you do not react or see things in the manner society thinks is appropriate.

It seems to me that as a society we have a consciousness of thinking on the subject of death:

• We should be sad when someone dies - -

Except of course if we kill them with the death penalty - then we should not be sad we should be happy!

No one ever told me how to react to death -

I guess I heard other people’s views and saw how other people responded. I know I was around conversations when the remaining family member’s were spoken about. The spouse who was so devastated and never remarried. The parent’s who never found joy again.

Or the conversations that spoke of the spouse who was dating just 3 weeks later! Hmmm - I learned that was not acceptable! The opinion then was that person must have never loved the other…

Marria’s Gift to Me

As I spoke in my last post - I can not even begin to describe what I experienced in that meditation when Marria passed over. It is truly beyond words!

This experience has changed my life in a deeper way. I was granted a peek into this transition - which is filled with Love and Peace and Joy!

And… I was not alone in this feeling…. As Coryelle, Carol & I drove back to the house - we were so high - we were giddy with this radiating, shining Love! We said to each other - “we better tone ourselves down before we get to the house - because the other 3 people that were with Marria will not understand where we are coming from!”

I Am Not Sad

When Gale transitioned - I was sad. Actually sad is not even close to how I felt - I was filled with a grief so deep I can not find words to describe it!

I went deeper into me - I immersed myself into the teachings of the Law of Attraction. That grief was transformed into a whole new level of understanding of life and of what we call death.

• I do not believe in dead…. I believe our energy just changes it’s vibration. The physical body that we see with our eyes is gone but the energy - that energy still pulses on.
• I believe in every moment of my life - I get to choose how I feel - the situations in my life can not make me feel a certain way.

I have been able to connect with Gale, my Mother and Marria - I can literally feel their presence - I can speak with them and in my mind’s eye I can see them.

Yes there are days I miss their actual physical presence in my life…. but I can look around and see and appreciate all the gifts they have bestowed on me. And I can look all around and appreciate all the other wonderful people in my life.

Each of these people who have transitioned play a very important part in my life. My relationship with them will never cease - it has just changed the way it looks.

I Catch Myself….

Each time I catch myself thinking how I should be sad… I am so aware I have an old tape playing in my head. I have old residual thoughts running around… I am now able to quickly adjust my thoughts - adjust my feelings and laugh out loud.

• Laugh knowing I am truly the creator of my life!
• Laugh knowing my dear loved ones are filled with Shining Joy!
• Laugh knowing I still celebrate their lives everyday of my life!

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“There are No Mistakes….. Only Discoveries!” ~ Ellie Walsh